Snippet Sunday 9/14/14

I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately–I haven’t done much writing because of the conspiracy that is my life right now. It’s hard to talk about, but I have this snippet for my WIP in my short story collection, “Silver Dreidels.” This is the beginning of Part II of “The Holly, the Ivy and the Menorah.”
“Welcome to our home, Payton,” Holly Blumenthal said, trying not to be taken in by the brown-haired, brown-eyed Cincinnati Red Wolves pitcher. She loved his dimples, too, but she knew better. There had been too many times she’d seen a man she liked only to have Ivy, “the pretty one,” in their family, take him away from her. The worst time had been when they were in high school.
She forgot about it. That had been years ago, and now Ivy was living in her house in Wyoming with her. If she had to battle using her looks, she’d lose. She preferred to settle her conflicts inside her comfort zone—a court of law.
“How do you guys like your new manager?” Jay Galloway, Holly and Ivy’s friend, who was a huge Cincinnati Red Wolves fan, asked.
Thanks for reading–any feedback is much appreciated! As for me, I’m just taking things a minute at a time.

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26 responses to “Snippet Sunday 9/14/14

  1. Brains vs beauty. Wonder who will get the prize?

  2. Thanks for reading, Zelda. We’ll see what happens with this…

  3. I really want more. When do you expect to publish? I hope the conspiracy that is your life right now works out soon.

  4. I like the set-up: handsome man, the “pretty sister” versus the “smart sister”, and the Reds, because the Reds.

    Nice, Nancy!

  5. Thanks, Sarah–I’m having fun with these characters. Thanks for reading.

  6. Interesting setup. Leaves me wanting to know more.

  7. siobhanmuir

    Good snippet, Nancy. This line “Jay Galloway, Holly and Ivy’s friend, who was a huge Cincinnati Red Wolves fan, asked.” is rather cumbersome. You could identify the speaker with an action like “Jay Galloway, Holly’s long time friend and Red Wolves fan, held out a pint of beer along with a huge grin.” That identifies who’s speaking, who he’s related to, and what his likes are without the speaking tag. 🙂

  8. “If she had to battle using her looks, she’d lose,” and you’d have a story.
    If she battles with her other assets, you’d have a better story.
    Nice 8!

  9. Allyson

    Great snippet!

  10. Now i wonder why her sister is with her.

  11. Very nice. You capture the feeling of being star-struck well here, as well as bring out that little piece of family history with the sister stealing all the guys.

  12. Nice set up of the characters. I can’t wait to get to know them better.

    This confused me, though: “and now Ivy was living in her house in Wyoming with her.”
    Is this set in Wyoming and the sisters are living together? Or is a word missing somewhere? (I’m lost, but maybe I just need more caffeine — and a vacation from work.)

  13. Thanks, P.T. I changed that sentence–glad you pointed it out, and that you liked the snippet. THanks for the feedback!

  14. I love how you introduce the relationship with her sister. I hope she’ll find a guy who is not only concerned by looks.

  15. Glad you liked it, Linda–thanks for commenting.

  16. Sounds like a great start. I noticed a few little things, but it looks like others have already pointed them out. 🙂 Hope to see you again next week.

  17. Very realistic! I can relate, which is what you want a reader to do.
    History Sleuth – Milk Carton Murders

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