Snippet Sunday, 9/26-27, “I Won’t Say I’m in Love”–Lorrie’s POV

More from “Mr. Tall, Tan…& Tasteless.” This is from Chapter One–the original story was in third person POV from Lorrie and Scotty’s POV with a few scenes in Jay’s POV. I got so much positive feedback from the prologue from Jay’s POV that I’m experimenting. This is from Lorrie’s POV, written in first person. Any feedback is appreciated–I’m liking the first person.

I should have known how Jay’s wedding day was going to go when I heard my brother singing “I’m Getting Married in the Morning” in the shower. He had a good voice, but his attempt at a British accent left a lot to be desired.
So now I’m sitting in the restroom of Nutsie Nan’s Café, waiting to go out to the reception hall where the whole crowd had heard me admit, not a mere fifteen minutes ago, that I’d always been in love with Jay’s best friend, Scotty.
Okay, it hadn’t been the whole crowd. Just my brother and his new bride, Reese, her maid of honor, who I disliked on sight, the other two bridesmaids, and Reese’s dad, who probably wondered what kind of mess his daughter had gotten into. And, of course, I’d blurted it out to Scotty.
“Lorrie?” Scotty’s sexy, and usually persuasive, voice came through the door. “Jay and Reese are waiting for you to make the first toast.”

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20 responses to “Snippet Sunday, 9/26-27, “I Won’t Say I’m in Love”–Lorrie’s POV

  1. siobhanmuir

    I think the first person is very good, but you switch tenses between the second and third sentences from past to present, then go back to it later in the snippet. I think it would come across better all in past, but that’s just what I prefer to read. So it might read: “He had a good voice, but his attempt at a British accent left a lot to be desired.

    So now I sat in the restroom of Nutsie Nan’s Café, desperate to find my courage to return to the reception hall where the whole crowd had heard me admit, not a mere fifteen minutes ago, that I’d always been in love with Jay’s best friend, Scotty.”

    Good snippet, Nancy.

  2. Oh how things can go wrong at big weddings! Fun snippet.

  3. I love how they sent Scotty to fetch her (or did he volunteer?). Must have been quite an announcement. I like the first person POV!

  4. Weddings do have a tendency to stir things up. Nice excerpts.

  5. Loves the opening paragraph, so cute.

  6. Wow, being the first to toast. I hope she isn’t shy.

  7. Sounds like one of those days where she’s wishing she’d stayed in bed.

  8. I’d say this is one of those “open mouth, insert foot” scenarios for Lorrie. LOL

  9. I’m glad you’re liking the first person point of view. You’re using it very well.

  10. chellecordero

    Scotty doesn’t seem fazed, or maybe the admission is why he was the one who came looking for her…

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